MOST WANTED

In the hood, you can see my portraits on the street walls and the poles of electricity, sometimes even on the trees. It’s like every other corner I take they speak of me, in the salons, in the barber shops, in the ghetto, in the suburbs I’m most wanted, I’m a fugitive. In the local precincts of the northern as well as of the southern parts I’m listed as a missing person but I don’t want to be found. The women sought after me the most, some of them hot some of them not. They pray to see me in their dreams, some that I may fall straight from heaven into their world. They send me tons of letters and write about me in their journals, they say “Mr. Right, where are you hiding? Come rock my world, marry me! I won’t quit waiting for you”. Now that’s sweet, but I’m just one guy. Shall I clone myself? But thankfully, I have imposters claiming to be me, I appreciate that. They wear a mask and try to walk like me. They buy new clothes but it just won’t change them. Act smart, but their swag ain’t like mine. I feel sorry for the women who fall victim, but I can only belong to one of you at a time.

You may say; Mr. Right, you are not fair! Why are you hiding when we need you? You are like the love Superman, the Spiderman of romance, come save us before it’s too late, before sexy becomes extinct! I brought sexy back once; a guy named Justin Timberlake took all the credit for it. He fooled many ladies into thinking he was me. I don’t think the ladies fell for his cheap imitation of me that much; it’s Jason Derulo who is pulling it off. Back to why I’m hiding, it’s why they call me Mr. Right. I don’t fight, I love. I don’t break beautiful young girl’s hearts, I don’t lie, I don’t cheat, I’ll be there when you need me, I will listen, I will hold you, I will wipe off your tears, I will make the most passionate love to you, I will kiss you, I will tell you that I love you, I will hold your hands when you want me to without you having to tell me, I will let you watch your soaps, I will surpass your expectations, that is why I hide! I hide to protect you from a heartache, please wait ‘til your turn comes, if it comes. I beg of you to be patient, I hate to see you waste your love on dudes who don’t deserve it!

I’m immortal, I will always be here. My heart is unbreakable, I’ll be exactly who you want me to be. I’m tall and dark, I’m handsome. I have brown eyes and a long nose. I work out so I have a cute six pack and huge biceps (and you know what else). I’m black, and Latino. I’m short. I’m intelligent; I have a fat bank account. I’m white and I have green eyes. I’m funny; I can have you giggling like a pig! I’m Chris Rock, I’m Russell Peters, see? You have nothing to worry about; I will pass by your life at one time even if I don’t get to marry you. We don’t always get what we want, I was given this world but I didn’t make it. I received all your lovely letters, all of them from since you were a teen. I try to read all of them. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to reply to any of them, my boss cupid won’t let me have time for myself, always has me on an assignment, but I hope reading this helps to ease your frustration in your quest to finding me. You don’t have to search for me; I will find you, sweetheart.

Message To The Fellas: You can’t cramp my style you bastards, the sooner you learn that the better! Ask Cassanova, little punk forgot who the immortal one is. Tarnished my name the most, look where he’s at now! What’s wrong, you can’t come up with your own swag? Using your name, ain’t your name good enough? I’m only proud of one man so far- Romeo! He’s the one I’d wish to be. Taking his life for love, so deep! I witnessed it with my own eyes. Michael Jackson stole my line- I’m not a fighter I’m a lover. He went ahead to shamelessly make it a song! Look, I don’t mean to be harsh on you. I’m just saying get your own act! Phew. My shrink was right; I feel better having let it all out!

OUR WOMEN AND THEIR TRAIT.

Our women don’t appreciate us enough, and that is what they are doing wrong. But we love our women so much, it’s not out of place to hear one of us assert that Nairobi women are the most beautiful, curvaceous and sexiest beings on earth, but I am yet to hear a single woman, even when intoxicated with the drink or in my wildest dreams (and I do dream wild dreams), say that Kenyan men are romantic. That is just the general perception but it’s sadly true even when reduced to individual level. Our women want us to do everything and give nothing back, and by giving back I don’t mean sex.


Here is a theory that our ladies have been transfixed on long enough for them to believe it and it’s almost become a law: A woman shall not admit to a man how she truly feels because if the man finds out he will but only take advantage of it and break her heart. A Kenyan woman will like you, but she wouldn’t admit just how much because you just might feel too sweet, so a man may go ahead and say all the i-love-you’s and i-miss-you’s, call her all the babe’s and the sweetheart’s, you might as well get laid but she will not say it with her lips that you are romantic or the best. No out-of the-ordinary compliment will come your way, buddy. And trust a Kenyan woman to say something mean whenever you blow your own horn. Things like “Boy , please..” and “Don’t flatter yourself, Romeo”, feel me? But dare you stop the gush of compliments to her and all over sudden you don’t really love her.

This is even truer for women who have undergone a heartbreak at some point in their life. Yeah, that’s where another prick of a man spoils it for the rest of us and you end up becoming the relationship messiah, paying for the sins of another. She really likes you and really wants you but will always keep you close enough to not ward you off or make you feel unwanted. You are never going to know for sure and she won’t make a choice after a long time yet pushing her to the corner might not be the best thing to do. I heard it and happen to know that it’s a risk to let someone else in completely, but women and their emotions… when love ends it becomes disastrous for them.

For women who are uncontrollably scared of heartbreaks, I probably could understand but our women have an unreasonable trait of always putting us down when we are working hard to impress them, possibly to trim or keep our pride in check. Men are men, we have an ego, take our masculinity away and what do we have left? I’d say nothing. So ladies let your man have his moments and when they arise, lie if you have to we do that all the time.

“Hey, baby you’re the best”

“You’re the handsomest on the planet”

“My ex has got nothing on you”

You know, little lies here and there, you think we don’t like that crap? If it didn’t cross your mind then now you know.

Lastly, I hereby testify that all the women from the rest of the world have got nothing on our Kenyan women! And that’s real.

ALLOW ME TO SAVE THE DAY.

If people added a little more truth in what they said, life would be a lot easier! The truth is difficult to say... and ugly, but doesn't somebody just have to say it to save the day? Fuck my feelings, just because you can't handle it doesn't mean I can't handle the truth! I hate selfish, emotionally needy individuals. With that said I guess I might as well say that I hate everybody. With all these superficial women hovering around, my diplomatic nature doesn't really help.

Wyre told you ladies, make a choice! Make up your minds... but I guess you all like to be chased after. One thing I usually can't argue with when I'm trying to hit on a girl is when they say they have a man. What do you say to that? Ummm, 'I don't mind. I have a girl too'? Then you find out you like me too, but you didn't tell me soon enough that you had another guy somewhere. You just led me on until I got you cornered and then you spill out that gibberish! You knew what I wanted, I know you knew because I told you. Talking about you want us to be friends now, crap. You should get to know me better. And I can't believe it that you claim you were protecting me from a heartbreak all this time, then what do you call this?! But I'm a big boy, woman. I'm okay. As a matter of fact I'm fine! Shit, I'm doing great, look at me! I don't hate you, I love you, remember that. That's why I can't be your friend, not even because you are a filthy liar. I'm looking back at the first time we met, and I wish you never called.

Hey, I'm willing to carry the burden of being the hero and save the day, big responsibility. It's one of my shortcomings anyway, I can't fit in so its probably a good thing I use it to create better days for all of us, right? No, that dress doesn't fit, you're too fat! I know it looked good when your mother's cousin's daughter wore it but that's because she's a teenager... and she has a nice figure. And your teeth are crooked, ever heard of braces? Pretty cool invention. You need a little teeth whitening too. But it shouldn't worry you much, those are things we can fix. How am I doing so far, is the day any better? Call me Captain Save-'em. You need me just holler my name!

ENGINEER WANTED; I'M BUILDING MY OWN WORLD!

In the Greek language, there are three (actually four, it depends) words for love; eros which means passionate love with sensual desire and longing, Agapē which refers to general affection rather than the attraction suggested by eros and Philia which refers to a dispassionate virtuous love. It requires virtue equality and familiarity. I find it interesting that the Greek created these many words for love but I find it convenient, and so did Martin L. King Jnr. I have come to think that all the many great men and women who came before us were not any different from us, they too were human. Because even Mr. King who preached pacifism stopped to question himself, why should I love him who oppresses me and my people? What do you when he smacks you in the face for no reason? Yes even Mr. King questioned himself sometimes so we are not that much different, but at the end of the day there is something that makes us different… that makes me different. And that is Love. Mr. Martin explained that he couldn’t possibly love his oppressors, he just couldn’t. But he loved them by virtue of them being human. He loved them because God loved them too just as much as He loved him. He loved them because he was not as superficial as they were so as to just see the colour of their skin, but he saw them as brothers and sisters in the family of mankind.

I want that. I want to love, in all aspects of the word. I want to be loved. I want to create a world of my own where people share everything they have. I want a world of my own creation where everyone cares and people forgive. The Lord knows that I do try… I really try, just maybe not hard enough. I want to do good to people without expecting nothing in return. I want to wash people’s feet, I want to serve! I want to learn the secrets of life, learn about spirituality and gain all the wisdom I could get. I want to understand. I want faith. But most of all, I want God.

Isn’t that the meaning of life? We spend too much time just trying to get by, all for what? If you can love and find love in this life, then you are successful! Yes we need to work to put food on the table and even more but if only we understood what love can do… Malcolm X said (I’m ashamed to have to quote foreigners); Africans didn’t get their freedom by singing ‘we shall overcome’, they fought for it! Frankly I don’t know what to say to that, but I think that the real man is he who can still be able to love his enemies regardless of how much wrong they do him. It’s so easy to be angry, the task comes in containing it. What I’m saying is realistic, just in the same way poverty can be eliminated and tribalism can end!

Perhaps I’m dreaming. Well, I can’t waste my life hating. I’m creating my world within myself. And when I have kids I will share it with them. I will love them and I will teach them everything I know. Then I will tell them to spread it as far as they can. Then I will consider myself to have played my part. Because we cannot all be Martin Luther.

SO WHAT IF I DON'T SAY IT?

I invited Becky over to my place last week... and she CAME! All the way to from Kiambu just to come see me. I was so glad to see her after that long, about six months. She still looks beautiful. Okay, Becky is just a friend... or a little more than that but not that other thing. Notice that? I said thing. Wait, you'll understand.

I was telling Becky about these girls I've been having while she's been away, she keeps asking and she bugs when she starts, I don't like talking about it... with HER. And she noticed I never use the word 'love', even just in conversation. Like instead of saying 'fall in love' I say 'being in that situation' and stressing on the word 'like' when I actually mean 'love'. Yeah, I admit. I'm not so fond of the word. And then that she mentioned I noticed I rarely say those three magical words chics like to hear- 'I love you'. Becky condemned me for that, just because I don't say I love you. My explanation is; I'd rather not say it unless I mean it! Is that so wrong?

Not more than a week later after our conversation I decide to send Becky a text, I tell her I love her. She says I'm just playing, that I just want to see how she'll react! Upto that point, I just don't know. She said she loves me too, but I just don't know which love she was reffering to, I don't even know which one I was reffering to, you understand?

I spend too much time with the boys is what she claims, that they corrupting my mind. The love doctor was talking, telling me that the way to a woman's heart is when you do to her the things that you swear you wouldn't otherwise do, dropping the ego. I'm like okay. Don't get me wrong though it's not like I'm trying to be 'hard'. I know how to treat them ladies, I just won't lie to them, especially when it comes to LIKING them. Just be cool and we can have fun, alright? Don't start with all that talking, getting all mushy trying to re-enact a scene from your favourite soap opera!

Then there is the question of when to say it. After what, three days, weeks, months? Is there a standard time? Jeez, I might just go out and tell every female that I love them!

For real, I'm training my mouth to get used to the taste it gets after saying the word.