SO WHAT IF I DON'T SAY IT?

I invited Becky over to my place last week... and she CAME! All the way to from Kiambu just to come see me. I was so glad to see her after that long, about six months. She still looks beautiful. Okay, Becky is just a friend... or a little more than that but not that other thing. Notice that? I said thing. Wait, you'll understand.

I was telling Becky about these girls I've been having while she's been away, she keeps asking and she bugs when she starts, I don't like talking about it... with HER. And she noticed I never use the word 'love', even just in conversation. Like instead of saying 'fall in love' I say 'being in that situation' and stressing on the word 'like' when I actually mean 'love'. Yeah, I admit. I'm not so fond of the word. And then that she mentioned I noticed I rarely say those three magical words chics like to hear- 'I love you'. Becky condemned me for that, just because I don't say I love you. My explanation is; I'd rather not say it unless I mean it! Is that so wrong?

Not more than a week later after our conversation I decide to send Becky a text, I tell her I love her. She says I'm just playing, that I just want to see how she'll react! Upto that point, I just don't know. She said she loves me too, but I just don't know which love she was reffering to, I don't even know which one I was reffering to, you understand?

I spend too much time with the boys is what she claims, that they corrupting my mind. The love doctor was talking, telling me that the way to a woman's heart is when you do to her the things that you swear you wouldn't otherwise do, dropping the ego. I'm like okay. Don't get me wrong though it's not like I'm trying to be 'hard'. I know how to treat them ladies, I just won't lie to them, especially when it comes to LIKING them. Just be cool and we can have fun, alright? Don't start with all that talking, getting all mushy trying to re-enact a scene from your favourite soap opera!

Then there is the question of when to say it. After what, three days, weeks, months? Is there a standard time? Jeez, I might just go out and tell every female that I love them!

For real, I'm training my mouth to get used to the taste it gets after saying the word.

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!

Right about now, everyone is talking about the K.U (Kenyatta University) mayhem, for lack of a better word. I just feel bad about the whole incident. I might say something when everyone is quiet about it.

The past week has been very aweful for me. My mind had been clogged by nothing but death thoughts... no matter how hard I tried to evade them thoughts, I even had death dreams... but that's a story for another day. But I think that I came out a better person, stronger. I can handle grief.

I went out to drink this weekend. I blacked-out! Now before you judge me, it was an accident. The fact that I K.O'd was an accident. Because I've like, passed out blatantly like that like, three times ever since I started drinking! That's got to be a record. I had my first sip when I was 16. I know that's young....

But I'm a responsible young man, I was the guy who talked sense into the heads of the 'gang' back in high school. Apparently, while in a group people stop thinking, what else can explain the K.U frenzy? I will explain it to you right now, people stop thinking when they are a group!

Oh, what I should explain is how my 'accident' happened. Nothing complex really, I was seated in a bar... I gulped a couple of glasses... and without a warning... I pass out! That's all I remember. I mean, I wasn't even past my 'gauge' yet. Now this is not something I'm proud of. I regret it, even thought of quiting the drink (still thinking). I did NOT enjoy my high that night. That was a waste... a waste of money... a waste of time... and a waste of energy. I felt this feeling of nothingness in me, it killed me. That sort of behavior is not for a person of my stature. I'm supposed to show these friends of mine the right way!

I doubted what happened, so I said to myself "I won't blame it on the A-a-a-a-alcohol, since it's been loyal to me, and I have treated it with respect, we've had this wonderful relationship with no strings attached, so I MUST'VE been DRUGED!" All my friends were against the idea, because we were together and everything I had was with me because they took care of me. So I dropped the idea. I'm left with nothing... except that- "It was an accident!"

Now that's my story. I don't mind airing my dirty laundry for you all to see, unless if you all do.

DEATH AND ITS EFFECTS

I want to begin by saying that we hold the destiny of our future in our hands... until someone robs us of that promise when they take our lives. Arise from where they were lurking and ambush us. That's roughly what happened to a fellow student last night, I'm yet to find out the details.

Its funny when I start thinking about death, this time it was really scary. It's the news of Eric's death that got me to thinking, including how I received the news and the things about life and death that I 'discovered' (from a book I was reading) preceding this event. I had travelled back home so I wasn't in campus. I received a text that I read just once and couldn't get myself to read it again. It was short and to the point, there's got to be a universal layout for writing bad news cuz this text had a horror connotation to it. There is something about how it was formatted that instilled fear... grief... so I called, as if to confirm. Or maybe that's why I called. Hearing it was even harder, confirming it only made it more horrific. It was true.

First thing I thought was; life is short. I mean, I knew him! It was like a wake up call that one day I too am going to die and it doesn't have to be in old age cuz that could have been me. I can die even tomorrow... or now! I started thinking, how aweful it is when you come back home just to be told the person you talked to yesterday ain't breathing anymore... a person you knew and loved. But death is not a mystery, its part of life. You are born and you die, right? People die every day, we don't even notice until its our loved ones.

Just last week my roommate travelled all the way to Naivasha to attend a funeral service, his cousin had passed. He had been instructed not to miss by other living relative. The cousin was a she, a mother, a wife... basically advanced in life compared to us.. him. I listened how he explained to us what happened and why he had to travel the following day, so casually.

"My cousin passed."

That's it. And no one even asked what had happened! I did, after a long pause. To me, there was something amiss. I suddenly got scared. People die and they are forgoten.

When Eric died, the only thing that scared me is that I knew him. But when we hear in the news that two people died in a road accident. We think in our thoughts; those are not so many, what about the people who knew the two? Even one life is worth saving. At least let's recognize life's worth.

The Afterlife and what death means... all I know, I don't want to be scared of death, that's what I keep saying. That's what I want to achieve, I want to embrace death when it comes rather than fight it. I want my last thought to be- I lived a good life. But I want to die old due to natural causes.

ARE THE DAYS OF REVOLUTIONS OVER?

What I think is this, that democracy is not good for us simply because we are not mature a nation to practice it effectively for our own good. This article is partly inspired by the events of last week when the PM backed up the students of the University of Nairobi in their bid to demonstrate against the killings of a human rights activists and one student of the UoN. Things went terribly wrong, the demonstration or the 'procession' as they would like to call it turned out to become a cake-looting spree, those who watched the news know what I'm saying. The student body apologized, formally. At some point they even claimed that those were not students from the University, the looters. Well, the grand question is this; can a peaceful demonstration with all positive intent behind it occur in this nation? Or should we just forget it because whenever we want to express ourselves in the streets thugs come along to take advantage and spoil everything? Before I used to think different and I was wrong, blaming the government for disrupting even the humbliest and most peaceful of demonstration, even those harmless ones carried out by a handful of idle Kenyans. I came to realize even those demonstrations are not harmless. The government wouldn't just take any chances because they have accepted the idea that there is no such thing as a peaceful demonstration in this country as true.

But then do we really need to demonstrate anyway, is it the best way we can make ourselves heard in this 21st century, doesn't hitting the streets, yelling and looting sound barbaric? Revolutions came from the result of civil wars and unrest, where citizens said enough is enough and defied authority and brought down that same authority and tore it into pieces. Would that still apply in this day and age, with all the technological advances and all the lessons learnt from the past? We don't need to have the same solutions for yesterday's problems, we need better solutions.

Mutahi Ngunyi, on his Sunday article said that this was good, for the students to demonstrate. That it would go far to make the youth (esp those in the university) realize that their 'legs' are not tied and that they can push for whatever it is that they desire for this country, that they can have influence on the executive, or something.... Mr. Ngunyi keeps talking about that we have to go through some pain and hardship for us as a nation to have a rebirth. From what I understood he implied that there has to be a war or bloodshed for peace to rest undisturbed omongst us. I totally disagree. I say the days of revoltions are over! Fights for freedoms are done, what's remained is the struggle.

IF THEY DO AND YOU WOULD THEN SSSHHHH!

When you see something wrong happen so very often, you might forget how wrong it is and sometimes it may become right before your eyes. There are so many examples, but in this case I mean the demons haunting our high offices of power and indeed ourselves; corruption, tribalism and hatred. These words are almost cliches in the society we live in, we forget what they mean until we finally see the true definition unfold before us when it happens. Then we pause to think if that is what we really meant when we uttered the word. And we get shocked.

I regret that people had to die because of an election fraud. It's a touchy subject and people don't want to hear that story anymore, let alone talk about it. When the 'war' began and people were shedding blood, some of us said; let them die! But when they saw the the pictures on TV of helpless human beings being hacked in pieces, some of them paused. I'm glad for those who paused to re-think if it's the same thing they meant when they said; let them die! But they are still not much different from the killers, I think. Also I think all those killings could have been avoided by the same people who instigated them. And they are not many.

There is no excuse for corruption whatsoever. The same way I would not excuse an individual for robbery considering that he is poor. Yes, we are humans and have desires and fall into temptations. But we are humans and have a conscience so when do something we should be ready to embrace the consequences and responsibilities that come along with that act, wholly.

I ask people this- and I always get the same answer- if you had a chance of 'looting' a significant amount of public money, and you were sure of impunity because your boss who is your employer is also in it, if you had that one chance to steal and get rich fast, would you take that chance? Apparently the answer is obvious to many- YES. So why are you mad at your leader again? It is exactly what he is doing, he is just being mjanja (as most of my specimens put it). If you would, just ssshhhh and wait for your turn to loot! If it doesn't come, too bad. But it doesn't come, you get yourself to it.

It is tricky, when we do corrupt deals among ourselves, we don't see it as corruption. We are just scratching each other's backs. And we brag about it. Around campus, corruption is the in-thing. If you did it and didn't proclaim it, that's a waste of a good source of fame and pride and the sense of being mjanja.

All I'm saying to you my good people, change should come within ourselves. The next time you condemn those MP's, ask yourself, are you any different? The next time you ask for new representatives in the August house, ask yourself, will they be any different? The next time you ask for change, ask yourself this, where will it come from? Because in a small or big way you might find yourself alone as the midwife, to deliver the new change. Ask yourself, can your people rely on you to deliver them the change?

Tribalism. Another ghost, we just play with it. You don't know how ugly it is until you face it. And it so real!

THE DILEMMA FACING DUDES.

This has happened to me so many times now it pisses me off. It's not fair, but it's part of the game and I have to play it. We call it keeping it real.


I see these chics I'm not interested in and thank goodness I can always tell from a mile away where a conversation is headed. My buddy likes the flirting and teasing, I pull away but its me they want so they call for me.


I hesitate.


"What's wrong, don't be a wimp!"


My friend whispers in my ear; these ladies here might think you scared, you don't want them to think you can't handle them. I remember very well that I told him to leave them alone! In my mind I know I can't bear to be seen in their company. I had to play along, I always play along, what am I supposed to do? They were coming on me too strong! C'mon, show us what you got, their body language screamed. And they talked nasty, her friend, I mean one of them girls really talked dirty. She was like a filthy cheer leader egging me on to get jiggy with it.. saying things like we looked good together.


We kissed... and touched. Thank God she did not push me to go all the way. Perhaps she wanted me to love her, maybe she wanted me to plead and really want it. Well, I didn't want it. After the kiss I swear I wanted to spew, I ran to my room and brushed my MOUTH clean! Ironically, she a good kisser.


An overnight entertainment function in the campus, she books me. "Don't go missing now", she warns. I met her, we hang around a little and I lose her. I had someone else in mind whom I ended up having a good time with through the night. Me went mteja, had to switch back on because I had the room keys, just incase my roomies needed them.


Long story short, we ain't talking now. A beef builded up. I don't claim to be a heartthrob, but she thinks I think so. She think I feel so sweet, but its not that. Its simple, I just don't want her! It's college, we don't say no to chics, we use and dump them. But not me, I just can't. I love myself too much.


I hate that its come this, beef. I hate hating. I hate grudges. We can talk, can't we? I'm sorry I made you cry (I hear she did), I didn't mean to run away like that. Maybe I'm a wimp.

THE BEST BLOGS ARE WRITTEN BY THE DULLEST HUMAN BEINGS

Ya'll probably want to lash out at me already. All of you, because I think I'm the only one who thinks his own blog is sucks and... I don't know, something's just missing. That means that you think that your blog rocks, well guess what, that means you are dull as a mtfka! But do not take me serious, on this post my thoughts are allowed to go out of control and I may get out of topic once and again. Its the the only place I can just let it all pour out without worrying about repercussions and making sense. To ye people of a lower level of understanding, this might be a challenge to you.

As I was saying, my blog is shit but I'm proud of it. But just don't compare my pride to that of gay people; I'm gay and proud, now that's bullshit! I forgot, I'm not suppposed to... Oh, this is one of them posts where I don't care. So, my blog being shit just means I have better things to do with my time. I marvel at what you write, so much creativity and beautiful templates... as a matter of fact I need a new template! I hate my current one, the problem is I don't know how to apply one to my blog. There are those which you supposed to copy/paste the codes, I can do that. But those templates aren't shit. The ones you download, those are the shit sadly I can't get them to apply to my blog. And what's this shit about blogger always asking me to use a google account, I DON'T want to!

Do not get it twisted though, just to set the record straight I don't talk this way in real life (unless if I'm drunk.... or if I'm here, apparently) but I wish I could.

You know, I'm twisted. Sometimes I think I sound like two people in this blog, I talk about politics like someone who really cares (which I do) then I come and write a piece like this. Sometimes in this blog, I think I sound like a spoiled college kid who loves too much fun. Oh, well...

Enough said about my tender feelings about my blog. I hope I don't sound like I'm whining because I hate people who do.

I am never satisfied, I want more! .....out of everything. I'm just not sure if I have the balls to push myself to the limits.

Do you?