LIFE SKILLS.

I read about the art of negotiation in the recent past and it created a notion in my head that to get what you want in life you just have to acquire the skills to play the game of life. The skill my people, is the art of negotiation. In reference to what I read, we all negotiate everyday. When you want someone to cover for you at work, when you have one too many drinks and can’t go home for some reason (maybe your wife is a python or you still live in your mother’s house) so you call a friend at 2am for a spot to sleep. Perhaps the latter situation is a little extreme in the sense that it doesn’t occur that often… well, for most people, but it is in such occasions that you need something a little extra to get what you need, that you might not necessarily deserve.

Just so that we are on the same page, I feel compelled to define the word ‘negotiate’, not according to the dictionary but in the context of which I’m using it. To ‘negotiate’ can fundamentally be defined as persuasion or convincing in order to gain that which you desire while having to give up the least. It is possible. This blog was not intended to give a lecture on the subject but I will say one thing, you have to understand the interests of the other person. Have a little something on them too, you get?

Anyway, so I tried to put into practice what I read in them stupid books. I went out to the world and I could see all the things I did wrong… unfortunately I couldn’t make them right, I’m just too critical to negotiate. Check this scenario; me and a friend walk up to the entrance of a club… wait, we weren’t going in to drink or party. We’d traveled together and arrived late (8pm) so while we were in town, he decided I had to see this place which he likes. I wasn’t so much interested but I went anyway. At the entrance I get frozen, apparently I look like a twelve year old with facial hair! It was ridiculous. I probably should but I don’t walk with my ID probably because I have never owned a wallet. I tried to ‘negotiate’ but what I ended up doing was trying to win the argument. I even engaged hypothetical talk; ‘what if I have a student ID?’ As we continued to argue, he lets another person enter without asking for his ID which makes matters worse. Long story short we were let in, my friend was the better negotiator for the day and he didn’t read any books. He bribed the bouncer with fifty shillings. I didn’t like that. I preferred to just walk away which I was already doing but my friend insisted. My point? I lost my point.

But I like the following conversation I heard in a movie.

Man 1 : How much do you charge?
Man 2 : 50,000
Man 1 : 50,000, are you kidding? Earlier you said 30,000.
Man 2 : Things have changed since then.
Man 1 : (Sighs) I’ll give you 40,000
Man 2 : Deal.
Man 2’s partner : Hey, you know what? We were bluffing, we would have taken 30,000
Man 1 : I was bluffing, I would have given you 50,000.

JUST WAVE.

In Nairobi we take greetings for granted, I can give you that. The fact that I nodded at you today doesn’t necessarily oblige me to perform a gesture in form of a greeting on the following day or from that day onwards. Its just how we live, it doesn’t mean I have a grudge against you, it just means we missed eye contact. That means we move on! So pardon me.

Yes, I do nod… that’s a form of greeting. I mean, you can’t be too careful these days, a Latino President caught that virus! No, not HIV, that H1N1 flu virus. I read some tweet suggesting hugging but I don’t swing like that. I don’t like getting all touchy especially around my abdomen. Plus, I hate when someone rubs my back when we hug, thank you very much, I’m warm enough. Its like they want to make sure their ‘dirt’ sticks on you, uh-oh. I’d rather wave, or just holler your greetings. Hugging is over-rated, even strangers want to hold me!

The hardest people to handle when it comes to greetings are those people you are not used to, you are not friends, you don’t even talk with each other but circumstances put you both in the same place everyday and you have to say hi to each other... the awkwardness brewed up by the situation can be so overwhelming!

Maybe I just leaped out of stone age but do you remember the days when there were greetings for different age groups? Like you wouldn’t just approach your dad and say “what’s up?” Where did those days go? Forget it I think I know… to the dogs.

I’m saying this because I came back home from college one day and found new security guards (don’t call them watchmen, some of them really sensitive) at the gate. They are not familiar with me so I see them looking at me funny but I know that they are just doing their job, so as I approach I holler my greetings in case they have something to ask me.

“Habari yako?”, I mutter.

He still gazes at me. He sees that I’m sure where I’m going, then he replies;

“Poa, Poa!”

I was dumbstruck. I just walked by feeling like the Flintstones.
That day I learned a valuable lesson. These men are not that old, they are just grown.

On another occasion, I come home at night. It was dark and again I have this thought that it would make their work easier if I make my voice heard so they can identify me by it.

“Niaje?”, I say as I hurriedly pass through.

“Wewe ni nani?”

“Screamer”, I replied.

“Unaishi wapi?”

Right then I knew I’d used the wrong greeting. I had better chances of passing without all the scrutiny if only I had kept my mouth shut. What? If I say “Habari yako”- you are not that old and if I say “niaje”-I’m a suspect?
That is so unfair. I had to answer a dozen more questions like I was some sort of criminal before I walked into the estate. On that night I learned another valuable lesson; to just keep my mouth shut until I’m talked to!

I don’t know if this is relevant but on that night my jeans were sagging, I had a cap and I carried a backpack.

KEEP YOU EYES OFF MY MONITOR!

I once watched on Tyra Bank's Show ( Yes, I watch Tyra, so what! But not so much for it to make me a sissy.) little boys and girls talking about cyber bullying, little kids took their own lives because someone they had never met kept telling them awful things like how ugly they looked or how stupid they are over the internet. Well, that's very sad- that they had to kill themselves, but the 'bullies' were right on that part about them kids being stupid!

Anyway, anyway... I wasn't going to write anything until when I was seated before this computer and this idiot passed by and tried to peep on the monitor so I quickly minimized everything, then I suddenly had something stupid to write about- stupid people!

It occurred to me like a vision, walaaaah! Our lives are now split into two; real lives and cyber lives. The internet is now such a big part of our lives... it's not bad. And it's made privacy so hard to achieve. I am not so good at keeping secrets. No, I'm not one of those who go on yapping uncontrollably and before I know it I said something I wasn't supposed to say, NO. Those kind of secrets I can keep. Or to be more accurate, it's the evidence of secrets I find hard to contain in obscurity. It's like spilling water and not wiping the floor hoping nobody will notice or that it will dry up before someone finds out there is water spilt. So to me the internet is the perfect place for me to keep the 'evidences' of my secrets without having to worry much, no one will find it there. At least no one I know.

So when this moron was peeping, trying to see what I'm upto on the internet I felt this overwhelming urge to punch him in the face. Look, didn't you get the hint when I minimized everything? The dude still hang around over my shoulder, gazing at the desktop! Well, damn him.

On other stories, yesterday was my birthday. 7th June was when the kid was born. I had the most people wish me a happy birthday ever since I can remember celebrating birthdays, thanks to facebook. And they said facebook was bad! I was glad. And I didn't do anything stupidly crazy like most people do on their birthdays, or just certain people whom I know. Anyone of you still want to wish me a... arrgh whatever! It's too late to say happy birthday but just go ahead and make me happier!

Disclaimer: The author is not responsible for any exergeration or wrong use of the word 'stupid' . The author is also not liable for any emotional distress that may arise from reading this blog post. Sensitive readers are warned not to read twice!

KENYAN YOUTH ARE SLACK!

I was inspired by this article on mama's blog to write this one.

On a previous blog I wrote about how we kenyans talk too much and hold too many conferences but don't come out of them any better. It's because of lack of commitment actually. I'm not saying I'm any better, but at least I don't waste my energy... what I'm saving it for, I do not know. Truly, I tell you, some of my pals come to me and they say, Screamer tell us; what can we do to make money while we are still in college? And I try to think up a few things to conceal my cluelessness and uncertainity, so I suggest a couple of things... they are not impressed. They suggest a couple more but none of us think any of them would work. Then we sit up looking at each other like dummies and I feel bad. I feel bad because these boys want to do something but they can't figure out what! I exclude myself here, because I somehow don't have as much enthusiasm as they do. Not because I do not need money though.

Then I try to analyze the whole situation, who's fault is it? Are we not creative enough? Are dumb? In the end I blame the system in which we live in, and the society we grew up in. We don't like to read books of any kind, we don't really learn much in schools, we despise protocol, rules and regulations. We don't perceive education as worthwhile. We (for fairness sake, most of us) all like the same things; movies, booze, sex, music and partying! We like to lie to ourselves that everything is okay. Our dream is to loot public funds to make ourselves rich overnight, nobody cares! These are the ills of society we were brought up in. And the education system isn't helping in revoking these negative values.

I do not like to preach or to whine or go on and on about what is wrong. But this is how I feel. It will take much to change this attitude. We the youth could do a lot of good if we wanted. See, a career in music is not bad, but music is intangible. I believe that an economy is built by production of actual goods, and this requires skill. This skill is what is lacking.

The youth are slack, but again it may not be entirely our fault. Not to say that anybody owes us anything. But we are not the way we are because we are young, its partly because we were nurtured to be this way. So everyone may as well be guilty.

STUPID SCHOLARS!!

This weekend was interesting. But I was annoyed... but not the way you think, you will understand.

A lecturer from Daystar University, who is also a student in some university in S.A pursuing a PhD. in economics, came to my campus to carry out a research along with a few helpers of his. He came to do this under his student status, he explained. The research was in form of a game, that was made to simulate certain conditions in real life and his aim was to observe people's behavior when dealing with money in relation to other factors as ethnicity and gender. Apparently, this is the millennium way of executing research as opposed the old way of just using questionnaires.

He came to us in need of 'guinea pigs' for his experiments and we provided him just that... I was one of those guinea pigs, but only because I heard that there was going to be cash rewards.. and they promised much! But they clarified that the amount of money you will pocket will depend on how well you play the game.

So they group us in threes and explain the rules;
There is going to be player1, player2 and player3. These players will not know each other for they will be selected at random and they will not see each other for they will be in different rooms. The only detail a player will get of the other two players is their surnames, surnames were required to make it easy for other players to know your tribe. Each player will be assigned a certain amount of cash, not necessarilly equal in amount. Player1 will be required to transfer cash to player2 (a range within which the amount should fall was specified), player1 decides which amount he will transfer, and in return player1 and player2 get profits from this transferred amount- player1 gets 2 times the transfered amount, player2 gets 2.5 times the transferred amount. Player3 is rather dormant, his is just to watch. But his amount decreases by the amount transferred by player1, if player2 accepts the transfer. But player3 can choose to punish both player1 and player2 for his losses which they caused him, but in doing so he will have to incur more losses. If player3 does not do anything, he basically remains better off.

I played player1, I wanted to eat off this guy of a lecturer as much as I could, this is easy money, I thought to myself. In that room I could already see me swallowing whole bottles of beer! So I was willing to bet, the money wasn't mine anyway. It wouldn't even hurt losing somebody else's money in a gambling game! So hell yes I was willing to take a risk (which really wasn't a risk) so I transferred an amount.

Then they give us questionnaires to fill in, I remember one question "why did you to transfer?" then the multiple choices were... I can't remember but I know I ticked on the one that said "To increase my profits"!

Then afterward these sons of bitches tell us that transferring an amount represented offering a bribe! And by accepting, player2 was also corrupt. And if player3 did not punish the two players, that he saw corruption taking place and did not do nothing. So these assholes tell me that I'm corrupt? I'm not corrupt, you tricked me! This game lacked a lot in trying to reveal how corrupt minds think.

I don't know, I just felt used and deceived when they tried to convince me that I am that which I resent the most and that I just don't know it. That it will show when the opportunity presents itself. He almost concluded that we are all corrupt in one way or another, which is true. Corruption is sinful. It is fundamentally a sin. It is very clear in the good book that we are all sinners, there is not one pure soul in the face of the earth. Then how will some of us end up in heaven? ...because some of us will.

Maybe I am corrupt, but not the way that you are. But I learned something. That corruption is a matter of trust and passion, passion for your country and countrymen and trust in the leadership. Things don't have to stay the same.

For the curious heads, yes we got paid... but just like you guessed, not as much as they professed. No, I did not spend the rest of the weekend drinking.

I GOT TAGGED!

I want to thank all my readers, as few as they may be, especially you mama... for the the award and for giving me a reason to write in my blog again.

I got tagged! If you've never been tagged before, wait for your turn. I might just tag you (I am required to brag, pardon me if it sounds lame). Mama tagged me. This is my first time and it feels good. But again not so good... I'm supposed to reveal personal stuff. That's kinda tough.

Here it goes;

1. I have a way of disposing off my nails after I cut them, I eat them! I wouldn't bite them off straight from my fingers. I attend to them real nice and let them grow long enough, then I cut them in big chunks and arrange them on a table top somewhere. Then I pick them one by one and eat one at a time. It's like a ritual. And if one flies off as I cut it, I will have to pursue it. If I lose it, I feel awful. That may sound weird to you guys.

2. I hate small talk, probably because I may not be good at it. I'm a straight forward person, when I talk it's about what, where and when... and probably who. I hate gossip too. on the contrary I like deep conversation. I like to listen to people as they reveal their thoughts. But at times you can catch me blubber a bunch of dumb shit, when I'm in a good mood.

3. Unlike Mama, I'm not into cars at all. I don't know car names and I don't really have preferences.

4. I like beer (Well mama, if you are ever going to marry then I guess it wouldn't be me!). My good times are when I'm in a nice (and I mean nice) pub with nice music in the background and accompanied with a couple of friends and chics, talking... I don't know, real talk.. like discussing global warming.. haha.

5. I am relentless when it comes to things that challenge my intelligence, like crosswords... or math problems. This probably explains why I never get anywhere cause I spend too much time one thing and just won't let it go and wouldn't accept help until I'm really beaten!

6. I dread to make calls! I don't know what it is, but I find it easier to text and use other means to communicate. I'm too conscious about airtime credit. And if someone called me and I didn't know what to say to them, I hesitate to pick up.. even though THEY called. Add this to my inability to engage in small talk you can imagine how confused I become.

7. I sleep a lot, I think. I sleep very late and wake up late, I sleep about eight good hours during school days... meaning I miss various classes, and sleep even more in other days. But that's healthy, ain't it?

8. I can't mention seven names of fellas we went to school with in primary school.

9. I rarely go to church. Not to mean that I'm non-religious. I do pray, read the bible and all. Most of the times that I go, my mom dragged me.

10. I can become insensitive sometimes, cause I say things to people hoping to be funny and it turns out I'm mean. Chics are the common victims. Good thing is I realize and diffuse the whole thing.

11. What else can I say, ummmh... I like to be in clean environments but cleaning isn't one of those things I like to do.

12. I have never broken up with any girl, they all just fade away because I wouldn't call. At least not as frequently as girls would like. But that's just one reason I know, there may be more..

Attachments to the award.

1.You must brag about the award.

2.You must include the name of the blogger who bestowed the award on you and link back to the blogger.

3.You must choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

4.Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog.

5.List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself.

Then pass it on with the instructions!

Well, most of the people I would have tagged are already tagged... by she who tagged me.

Fixated- Ey, come back to blogosphere!

Rafiki- Tell us who you are.

Robin- What's underneath the poet in you?

Shishi- I especially want to hear about you!

neemadivine- I'm going to start reading you blog more often.


Jeez, I can't think of two more who are not yet tagged. Maybe I'll add them later.

HEY PEOPLE.

Yeah. I'm back.